endless HOPE…

endless HOPE…

#3 – Never Stop Talking About My Life


Well, it’s been a very long day, I’m exhausted and my editor has long gone to bed, so tonight’s post is a little less flowery…just the straight goods… (if you’ve just tuned in, you may first want to read the page called “Our Story” by clicking up in the top right)

October 13, 2013 – Journal Entry Part 2So, here’s another big question that’s been on my mind the last couple years while considering this project (blog and/or book):

How does a person do this, exactly?  How do I share “my story”, not someone else’s?  How do I find my “voice” and be sure to only share my own feelings, and avoid unintentionally/ignorantly speaking for other people?  I realize I can’t go around trying to recap in my words how I think other people reacted or have felt through this journey…so I plan not to.  Yet, there is that risk…will I share things they wish I wouldn’t, via hints in my story? 

Our stories are so intertwined in life.  How do we truly express our life experience without ever a hint of reference to people around us?  My feelings and process have been influenced by other people for sure.  I have juggled worrying about others, wanting the best for them, trying to have sensitivity to the pace of their process, attempting to keep peace and not tick each other off, and reminding myself it’s not all about me and what I think other people need. 

What if some people in my life don’t feel comfortable with all this sharing, with me putting myself out there willingly?  Will some think it’s just wrong for me to be so open, or just care so much they will just try to protect me from being so vulnerable?  I am learning, but it is hard for me to fathom that everyone processes the hard things in life differently.  For me I feel the healthiest when I can express myself, talk through my feelings and figure things out as I go.  It’s hard to imagine that my way is not necessarily the best way for everyone (Ha!), but apparently some people may prefer silence, privacy, and a more internal process.  I don’t know, all of that again is only assumptions I can make, and that’s exactly what I don’t want to do is assume. 

My wish overall is that this would simply be a journal of my experiences, not for selfish reasons, but to grant privacy for those that may prefer I don’t comment on “how I thought they were feeling” or “what it seemed to me they were going through”.  Rather, I hope to find a few friends and family that would grant me the incredible privilege to add a “journal entry” from them, and include an actual quote about their memories and feelings, if they are comfortable.  I don’t totally understand it, but somehow it’s so precious to me to see and hear how Brandon’s life and passing, has affected others – their reactions to our loss and heaven’s gain. 

Suddenly I’m weeping…as the revelation sweeps over me about why I’m so passionate about this.  It’s not just about gathering reactions, but rather it’s so much bigger than that.  I guess this is my way of ensuring he is not forgotten, making certain that our memories of him do not fade and reminding myself that it’s true – he really was here with us.  It feels like together we can grant the last request in his will:

“I’d like people to remember me as a pro, and never stop talking about my life til the end of the world.”

Yes, he had a will…what a boy…

<3   Janine Kurtz

10 thoughts on “#3 – Never Stop Talking About My Life

  1. Ox proud of you.

  2. There is a vulnerability that comes with writing down your experiences. Everyone has a different ‘normal’ and everyone processes things differently. There definitely is risk in that – however, life without risk, without challenges – is a life un-lived. You have such a gentle nature, offences may not even occur! I know you will be careful how you write. Many will be helped. For them, it’s worth every word! Journal entries from others is a great idea!

  3. Janine, The Lord has you on an amazing journey. Each step of the journey will open doors of healing for you & so many others. Life isn’t always fair and sometimes bad this happen to good people. Life doesn’t always make sense! As you stay anchored in your “Faith” God will opened doors that you never dreamed of. Your pain has become tools for ministry to bless and encourage others. Janine, your trials will become your greatest “Trophies”! Remember your “Future” is God’s “History”.

    May God’s blessings & anointing be upon you & Cam as you travel this journey…

    Love ya lots,

    Dave & Valerie Venables. ❤️🙏❌⭕️

  4. Very interesting observations regarding the rest that are going through this journey in our family as well. From my perspective, I could email you a ‘journal entry’ from me which you could feel free to add in your book or even take pieces of it to insert in the appropriate spot.
    Love, Mom

    • I would love that – you can send on a private facebook message if you like <3
      Even short bits about, how you felt when you got the call, what it was like being at our home, how this has affected you, whatever else you would like to share
      <3 J

  5. Just a note that the time clock is out. i just posted mine at 12:23 pm not 6:23 pm. of course there is always the time differences in our country.

  6. The change from shared grief to solo grief is a shift I remember being surprised at. That day I realized that the sudden grief and shock of my brother’s accident was a pit each loved one was going to find their own way out of. We helped each other of course. Some days I was up and I helped somebody, the next day we switched roles. It became hard to predict, and somewhat treacherous.

    So good that you are speaking to your own journey, yet inviting others to share their experiences if they wish. This will be a healing tool for you. I know it will feel like it is taking a toll, like it is too hard some days…but I suspect the work will be worth it. Praying for you as you write, and for the future readers: may they be blessed by your sharing.

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