Well, it’s been a very long day, I’m exhausted and my editor has long gone to bed, so tonight’s post is a little less flowery…just the straight goods… (if you’ve just tuned in, you may first want to read the page called “Our Story” by clicking up in the top right)
October 13, 2013 – Journal Entry Part 2 – So, here’s another big question that’s been on my mind the last couple years while considering this project (blog and/or book):
How does a person do this, exactly? How do I share “my story”, not someone else’s? How do I find my “voice” and be sure to only share my own feelings, and avoid unintentionally/ignorantly speaking for other people? I realize I can’t go around trying to recap in my words how I think other people reacted or have felt through this journey…so I plan not to. Yet, there is that risk…will I share things they wish I wouldn’t, via hints in my story?
Our stories are so intertwined in life. How do we truly express our life experience without ever a hint of reference to people around us? My feelings and process have been influenced by other people for sure. I have juggled worrying about others, wanting the best for them, trying to have sensitivity to the pace of their process, attempting to keep peace and not tick each other off, and reminding myself it’s not all about me and what I think other people need.
What if some people in my life don’t feel comfortable with all this sharing, with me putting myself out there willingly? Will some think it’s just wrong for me to be so open, or just care so much they will just try to protect me from being so vulnerable? I am learning, but it is hard for me to fathom that everyone processes the hard things in life differently. For me I feel the healthiest when I can express myself, talk through my feelings and figure things out as I go. It’s hard to imagine that my way is not necessarily the best way for everyone (Ha!), but apparently some people may prefer silence, privacy, and a more internal process. I don’t know, all of that again is only assumptions I can make, and that’s exactly what I don’t want to do is assume.
My wish overall is that this would simply be a journal of my experiences, not for selfish reasons, but to grant privacy for those that may prefer I don’t comment on “how I thought they were feeling” or “what it seemed to me they were going through”. Rather, I hope to find a few friends and family that would grant me the incredible privilege to add a “journal entry” from them, and include an actual quote about their memories and feelings, if they are comfortable. I don’t totally understand it, but somehow it’s so precious to me to see and hear how Brandon’s life and passing, has affected others – their reactions to our loss and heaven’s gain.
Suddenly I’m weeping…as the revelation sweeps over me about why I’m so passionate about this. It’s not just about gathering reactions, but rather it’s so much bigger than that. I guess this is my way of ensuring he is not forgotten, making certain that our memories of him do not fade and reminding myself that it’s true – he really was here with us. It feels like together we can grant the last request in his will:
“I’d like people to remember me as a pro, and never stop talking about my life til the end of the world.”
Yes, he had a will…what a boy…
<3 Janine Kurtz