endless HOPE…

endless HOPE…

#7 – At a Loss


If you have just joined the journey, you may want to take a read of OUR STORY in the top right…

Journal Entry, Monday October 21, 2013 – The last 24 hours I’ve been at a loss for words. For the last week since I started to finally put my thoughts into full sentences, it has felt like I could keep typing and never stop. Then I took a day off and now I feel like I have writer’s block already! Am I really at the point where I’m out of words already, not sure what to say next? No, it’s not that. I think the problem is, in fact, the realization that the next thing I need to share is the story, the details of the loss, blow-by-blow. Where do I even start? Do I dare re-live the fright of it by putting it in writing? Can I do justice to the stories of all the small blessings and wonderful people who came to us in our time of need? Also, how in the world do I try to tie off a story like this at blog size lengths, when I feel like recounting those few days and weeks surrounding our loss could fill a whole book? And if I have to just stop and say “to be continued”, I’m not so sure it will have been left at an uplifting part that leaves anyone reading with the feeling that there is endless HOPE. This is where I’m stuck…

Well, literally while I’m sitting here stuck, the sound of a siren is coming blaring down our street – so that’s as good or as frightening a spot to start as any. Sirens never used to bother me a lot, I would notice them and hope the people it was going help would be ok, but then would get on with my life. Now…though I am at peace in my life 90% of the time overall, I do have to admit that sirens do make my heart pound like they never did before 2 years ago.

Tuesday September 20, 2011  – I remember that life-altering morning of Sept 20/11 – I woke up early, (oh boy I’m melting down just a few words in!), went to have a shower early, planned to get to work early, so I could get home early. My husband would be home for the kids in the morning, so I was going to jet out to work sooner than usual – I remember wanting to get work done quick and get back to check on Brandon, who had been home sick from school for a few days.  But I must rewind a few days before that…

Thursday September 15, 2011 – It was September 2011, the first week of school had gone fine, nothing out of the ordinary. All three kids were in high school together now, so there were class schedules, cheques for student fees and yearbooks, the dreaded school pictures on the second day of school – the usual stuff. The second week of school started normally, but on the Thursday morning  all of a sudden Brandon wasn’t feeling well. From what I remember and jotted in my notes, his forehead felt like he had a fever, he mentioned a sore throat and his tonsils looked swollen. He also mentioned his neck was sore, which alarmed me for the moment, as I remembered hearing that was a sign of something bad, but didn’t really know what.  After I questioned him further on that, he rubbed a little spot on his neck that felt like it was “out” and concluded he needed to go to the chiropractor – we agreed he’d go with me Saturday to my regular appointment. He never mentioned his neck bothering him again.  I remember getting him some ibuprofen to bring his temperature down and advising him to stay in bed and just rest for the day. He told me he didn’t want to miss school. I asked what class would he want to go for if he got feeling better later in the day – and said he would only be allowed to go in for one. “Woodwork” was his answer – he didn’t want to get behind on his project. I said forget it, it wasn’t even academic, so just stay in bed and get better – he seemed like he would, and I reluctantly went off to work.  He was a big boy, didn’t need or want mommy staying home and fussing over him – but that day it bothered me and I remember even mentioning to my boss that morning that he was ill.

Later that day he snuck into school for the class, then called me when he got back home to confess and assure me he was back in bed.  What a boy!  So diligent, so hardworking, such a turkey!  Though he loved to goof off and drive us all crazy for fun, he was such a hard worker when it came to his school work.  He had high grades, they didn’t come easy, but he took his homework seriously, budgeted his time and slaved at it to get it right – producing work he could be proud of, so that in his spare time he could just enjoy himself. This day was no exception. Though he felt awful, he was somehow driven to keep his commitments – even if to me it was “just” Grade 10 Woodworking.

That drive to get up again and push on, that determination to keep moving forward – that’s something inspiring.  We won’t always “feel” like it – today I initially didn’t “feel” up to anything at all.  To quote a friend, “Some days are a 2, some are a 10”.  Commitment and faithfulness is key – to do what we are responsible for, to follow through with a loyalty to our family, friends, neighbors and workplaces.  Tomorrow is a fresh new day, I choose to “check my baggage” at the door and dive in.  I know when I get there it will be more exciting than what I dread, and as I apply myself, more fulfilling than if I hide out.  Instead of being at a loss, I will feel I can go on again, with purpose…because within me there is endless HOPE…

<3  Janine Kurtz

5 thoughts on “#7 – At a Loss

  1. Janine so happy that you can share your story with others. It must be so helpful for you to do this. Truly one can never know what it is like to be your situation until you have gone thru it. Big hugs

  2. Janine your strength has always been a testiment to your foundation. Although this is hard but healing for you, in many ways it is help,healing and endless hope for all those who are following you on the journey. Thank you for including us.

  3. Thank you for sharing your story. Your words make it so real and alive. I find myself pausing to think about how ordinary things can be extraordinary in different circumstances. So many truths we can skip over in our busy lives. The “details” of Brandon’s life are a treasured gift. I feel as though I know him even I didn’t know him personally. While I feel tremendous sadness over his beautiful life being cut short, you have managed to thread hope even through the despair.

  4. I can’t even imagine how difficult this must be for you. The feelings of the heart sometimes have no words to aptly describe them, but you’re doing very well. Give yourself time to breathe and allow the words to flow when they come. Hope through despair, as Sheryl put it so well!

  5. So many time when someone we love looses a child. We feel so hopeless, inadequate to help knowing we can do nothing to make it better.
    Thank you for letting us read and share in this journey.Some how reading your words makes me feel hopefull , that by listening and getting enlightenment from your words will help make this tragedy raise joy up out of ashes.
    My love to you.

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