endless HOPE…

endless HOPE…

#8 – Crazy tiny little Special Moments


If you have just started reading, you may want to start with OUR STORY in the top right, then blog posts #1-7…

Journal Entry October 23, 2013 – Well, two days ago I took a deep breath and started telling the hard part of the story.  Maybe I will have to take a day off here and there after all.  Apparently we don’t have to feel guilty about that sort of thing – it’s called self-care…who knew?  When I started typing these blog posts 9 days ago it was so exhilarating I didn’t think I’d ever want to skip a day, but like anything else I guess it’s always easier to start than to follow through.  Well before I over-analyze the process I’m going through and try to explain it…maybe I should just pick up where I left off…I wrote about the Thursday, so next would be:

Friday September 16, 2011 – Brandon woke up the second day feeling much like the day before – still had a temperature and sore throat.  Dr. Mom prescribed the same treatment: stay home from school (for real this time) in bed; meds for the temperature; chicken soup for lunch and plenty of rest.  True to form, he pulled himself together and dragged into school for a science test he didn’t want to miss.  Later he called me at work yet again to let me know he had gone, but was back in bed – forgiveness rather than permission.    Brandon admitted to me he was feeling pretty crappy, and I probably gave him some little talk about not being able to get better if he didn’t take time to rest and to not worry about school work, it would be there when he went back next week.  His friend from school told me later he had seen Brandon one of those two days and walked with him for a while – he said the fever was evident.

Every Friday night without fail our kids would go to a youth group and hang out with friends, play basketball, and such.  This night however Brandon reluctantly stayed home for more chicken soup, while I dropped the others off – he hated missing basketball with his buddies.  I had an appointment that evening, but was feeling torn now because Brandon was home and hadn’t wanted me to leave him for whatever reason.  While I was in the youth group parking lot, trying to figure if I should go home or keep the commitment, my appointment called and cancelled.  She apologized, but I assured her that actually worked better for me too – it really was a relief for both of us.  I happily called Brandon to say I was zooming back home, and would grab him whatever he wanted to eat, just name it (not my usual style to be honest).  He wanted a double big mac, so I went and grabbed us both “dinner” and headed home.  He made it out of bed, happy as a clam to get his heart’s desire at that moment.  We sat and ate together at the kitchen table and then hung out the rest of that evening.  We were both happy to be together and I felt like a good mom without guilt – like I was exactly where I needed to be that night.

A few days after Brandon passed, I remember sadly and lovingly looking through the worldly possessions he had left behind in his room.  On the shelf was his “special box” of things he kept from years gone by.  I gave myself permission to take a peek inside.  I found lots of little things which included things like a key chain from a trip, a special rock collected, a silky handkerchief from grandpa, a couple of phone numbers he had recently collected from friends he maybe wanted to connect with more, and to my surprise somehow there was a receipt from that Friday night.  I don’t know how he ended up with it, but sure enough it listed his double big mac and my mcdouble “to go”…


Things I’m learning…

We just never know the impact of quality time together, for others or ourselves, or what others may view as being quality time.  Sometimes it’s the seemingly small things that can make a difference, or become a special memory – I don’t want to take those moments for granted.

You never truly know what you’ve got till it’s gone – so all the more I want to purpose to be “present” and not miss out on the special moments now.  When I’m with people I care about, I want to be focused on that conversation – really hearing them and connecting – instead of texting, looking for the bigger better deal, or be distracted thinking of things in the past or future.

Though that Friday night is hard to think about in many ways, the beauty of simplicity and being where I was supposed to be does again rekindle within me that endless HOPE…

<3  Janine Kurtz

4 thoughts on “#8 – Crazy tiny little Special Moments

  1. Very profound! Thanks for telling your story :)

  2. This was really good Janine. The beauty and simplicity of being where you are supposed to be is lost on so many of us through the bustle of life, but yet so important. I’ve missed your updates somehow and am just catching up! :)

  3. I’m crying reading this, but so touched! I love you guys so much! I still remember that Friday walking down the hall leaving youth and asking Amy why Brandon wasn’t there very vividly! I just discovered that you were writing a blog a couple of days ago and now I’m reading them all whenever I get time <3

  4. God is so good He is so merciful to grant us loved ones be it a spouse as child or a special parent. Sounds like you have learned so much and maybe the biggest thing of all is to share your grief with others, that you touch others that you will never know howmuch. I lost my wife and not am part of a Grief Share program at church and each time I get so much out of it just by sharing and talking about her. Blessing to you and to all who have lost a loved one be there to listen

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